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Monday, December 23, 2013

Finally, a Christmas to fill my Heart


               Every moment that anyone invests in waking up and remaining aware will always result in a life of bountiful joy and happiness.  I’ll walk through the fire of transformation any day of the week because I know that I will always land on higher ground, and experience greater joy and bask in my emotional freedom.  This year, I am having the holiday season of my life and all if it because I chose to stay awake. 

               I’ve been married with children, divorced with children, single for a long time, mothering as a single mom. Over the years my home has been filled with people: friends, family, and neighbors; sometimes a lot of people that called for a lot of cooking, baking and cleaning.  Invitations were offered for Christmas Eve, breakfast, dinner and more, sometimes I would go just to prevent being home alone. Sometimes I did all the inviting so I would stay busy and distracted.  I would always bake way too many cookies, buy too many presents and spend way too much money.  I would put my tree up after cutting it down, of course, this was supposed to make it feel more like Christmas, more special. And I would listen to as many holiday songs and carols as possible.  I would pressure my kids to help, driving them mad at times, beg them to hang lights outside, and harp on them until all the Christmas boxes were taken out of the attic and hope they would help create Christmas atmosphere.  I would display all of my Santa, snowman, angel and tree collections. Whew – is it over yet?

               All of this effort fell totally short of any delightful experience – all of it.  The only joy I had was giving my children the presents they asked for and the time that I did spend with family, friends and neighbors.  I carried a pocket of sadness, loneliness and melancholy around and would whip it out at every quiet and non-busy moment.  I couldn’t wait for the day to be over so I could just feel done.

               Now here it is 2013, still single, although in a relationship, my house is still empty since my partner is 2700 hundred miles away, but many, many other things are different this year.  I spent less, shopped on line – never even went to one mall, baked so much less, said no to invites, bought a small, cheap tree that was easy to decorate, and barely displayed any of my Christmas treasures.  I’ve had plenty of time to maintain my spiritual practices, move slowly and do only what I felt called to do. And even though I sit here by myself, I am not alone, my heart is full, I am calm, plugged in and fully present.  This year I cultivated a joy and presence from opening my heart, making choices that support my sanity as I remain grounded.

               This year – there’s no melancholy hanging in the crevices of my mind waiting to be expressed.  This year, 2013, I find myself feeling full, alive, and filled with joy.  This year, I thoroughly took my own advice and invested time in being the presence more than giving presents.  This year my heart is open, happy, light and available.  How silly all of that effort seems now, such a wasted investment in time, money and my sanity.  I am so blessed to feel the fullness of my heart in the way that every song promises.  This year my prayers are answered and active in me. This year my Spirit centered life has provided me with what I have wanted and dreamed of my entire life.  Ah, sweet Spirit, thank you.

               From this place, I say to each of you, whether Christian, Jew, Metaphysician or Pagan, may your heart remain open and warm during these cold winter months letting the love and light of Spirit to accompany you in your waking and sleeping moments.  May you know JOY as never before. 

Happy Holidays, happy Love, happy Joy now and throughout the New Year!

Michelle

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